Sunflower
She created this forest: created the elk, deer, bears, wolves and rabbits who roamed the trees; the birds who sang for her; the streams that cut through the earth; the foliage of every shade of green; the flavors of fruits and herbs. This forest was her garden and there was no one to share it with.
Mother Earth
A mistress to the earth and night rather than to men.
Gaho:
He danced and sang every moon month.
The Cook:
He praised her for her cooking and in the same statement offered employment at his castle as his personal cook. He also said she would be paid handsomely. Well, she could not say no to the King.
False:
Venus scowled at the girl from under thick brows; watched with no remorse when the girl hiccuped through her sobs as she fretted over her ruined silks, the shreds of her hair and hesitantly touched her shorn head.
Hey Lauren! I want to start by saying I like the short little blurb you wrote with your link! It is short and sweet and very attention grabbing. I can’t wait to read your other witch stories though out the semester!
ReplyDeleteAlso, I love the picture of the elk you got! It caught my eye first thing and it is so beautiful!
I never would have guessed it was based off of Adam and Eve until I read your author’s note but it totally makes sense when I think back at it! You did a fantastic job writing this story. It was very cute!
Is there a reason no one was given names in the story? Do you think it would make it a little more relatable and personable if they had names?
Also why did you choose not to give any details about any characters?
I think it is a great story with quite a bit of mystery!
Thank you!
ReplyDeleteI did not provide names because I wanted to create a sense of agelessness. When I think of someone so powerful and ancient, I do not think of them as having names but rather than having no need for a name. Also, there were not any other people to give a name for the woman (ex: God has many names, given to him by many people.) I plan to actually reuse this character for my future stories as "The Mother."
Additionally, I did not give her a name because I did not want her to relatable. How can you relate to someone as old and powerful as "The Mother," if we are human beings? Names also give a sense of familiarity and I wanted the reader to feel as if they were watching the characters from a far. This reason is also why I did not write this story in first person.
I hope my reasoning was not too confusing.
Hi Lauren, I am in the Indian Epics course and was excited to get to read something from a different class. Your story was really fun to read. It kept my attention throughout the entire story. I did not expect the twist that her garden was eating people. I loved the detail you put into the story as well. Describing how the men would die was as they got swallowed up by the Earth was my favorite part. I could envision this happening as I was reading it. I did enjoy how mysterious the woman seemed too. I wanted more detail about her and why she was doing what she was but I think the fact that you did not add those details really makes the reader think. Your author's notes really helped clear up some of the questions I had about her. This was an awesome story!
ReplyDeleteHey Lauren! Your title definitely paves the way for what your stories will be like. I chose to read Mother Earth and no, I can't quite figure you Mother is. Your story definitely has a creepy, eerie factor to it and that's what makes it all the more intriguing. I must say that you have a knack for writing. Your descriptiveness in introducing what Mary looks like almost had me entranced and how you express her calling upon the men to come to her garden as she feeds them to mother earth... That right there is spine-crawling. There's not much to add and not much I'd like to see change.
ReplyDeleteI will add that your transitions of when the story begins with the townspeople talking about her to her physical attributes and then to what happened to her past towards the end definitely gave me many different emotions. It saddened me towards the end and that's also what gave an eerie vibe. That picture to end it all was also quite chilling, adding to the effect. Great job on this take of the nursery rhyme!
Hi Lauren,
ReplyDeleteI really like the way your portfolio has turned out and the theme you chose for it. I also appreciate the loglines you had for each story before we read them. That was very helpful so I knew what to expect from each story.
I love the details you provide and your word choice. You have a great talent for writing! I could visualize everything in my head.
One thing I noticed:
“Her presence preoccupied the mountain cave above his village for many moons – too many moons to count. If there had been stories of her youth and beauty, then those stories died with his ancestors.”
Did you mean “her ancestors” at the very end?
I was also confused about the second character that was introduced. When did he come in?
Other than some clarification in the beginning, I thought your story was wonderful! Keep up the good work!
SUNFLOWER:
ReplyDeleteIt's an interesting conflict to have a deity be the subject of distress rather than a mortal. The imagery also draws us into this with some fantastical nature set-pieces.
You use elks and bulls as subjects close to each other, this produces some confusing instances of what creature is what. Example: You describe the process of a bull giving birth, but refer to it as an elk soon after.
I don't quite understand the significance of the male bull and his interactions with the deity in this story, beyond just eating the sunflower that gives our deity the idea. You could take him out and the story wouldn't change much.
Overall, solid plot and world, but some examination of elks and bulls - your interchangeable usage and the male bull's ultimate significance - will help make it more consistent. Good work.
GAHO:
A very bittersweet story about taking back one's life and coming to terms with life and death. Very interesting plot, especially with the detailed descriptions of the man's journey.
Your repetition of the number five underscoring your protagonist's journey is a nice idea, but having the same phrasing four times in a row is a bit much. You can pare down the phrase with some passing action to emphasize the repetition without it becoming stale.
The five dances every moon month is also a bit vague in its wording. Five dances each month? One dance per each month of five? A bit of clarification would help.
Overall: Really good plot with nice themes, details, and repetition. Some of the elements surrounding the repetition and dances could be specified a bit more, but that's all in terms of writing.
Excellent job here.